So, I’ve reached a point in my life where I realize that there are so many wounds that I wore as proud battle scars, but are still marring my otherwise happy life. Scars build character, but they also taint the soul.
It’s been a long journey to the place that I’m at now, with many (MANY) bumps along the road, and I know that my once shiny, sparkling reputation are now at stake. I have put others before myself, always, thinking that by enriching the lives of others, I can feel like a better and stronger person. I now realize that living selflessly was a rather selfish existence, because I only put others before me to feel like a good hearted person.
My new momma has left me with a piece of truth that resonates so deeply with me, strikes a chord so much that I feel like I have some hope left.
Many diseases are of the body, mind and spirit. It’s the diseases of the mind that affect your body and spirit. Once you recognize this, you can begin the healing process. I apologize for distancing you, yes you. The people who always whispered pretty things in my ear, the ones who told me that my life is not defined by my body, but by my mind and spirit. The number of times that I’ve been told and praised on my glowing aura, my ability to draw others in with my smile; well, those are all priceless. Even though I may thank you with a fake plastic smile and giggle like a vacuous little doll, I have a hard time hearing it. I pushed you away only because I felt reduced to a mere shell of a a human who only received praise for my “achievements” which were internalized as my personal failures.
I wish more than anything that I can keep moving in this direction of positivity, but I need you to realize that the process of healing is ultimately the most painful thing I’ve ever endured.
I love you Mom. And Papa. And Ari. I’m so sorry, I wish I could have been there for all the years that I wasn’t. I’m trying hard, please understand. Dear friends, I’m sorry. I’ve been wrong all along, and rejecting your help was selfish, because I was so entangled in my own little bubble of self destruction that I cast you aside as mere pawns in my game and for that I am truly sorry.
The best advice i’ve ever gotten was revealed to me last night;
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Not at your body, not at your face, but
Directly in your own eyes.
Not at your eyelashes, not your irises, but yourself.
The eyes are the windows of the soul, and it’s not until you stare yourself in the soul that you will ever understand what’s within.
Staring at the sun is so much easier.
Yuri Kimura
